..
So, about me... as you can probably tell from the way I dress, I work as a metro card! At the Sofia metro! Oh, what a live and busy place! I love to mingle with the crowds at the stations, ride along the escalators, stop by the musicians at Serdika station, dance to the sounds of violins and gadulkas... oh I LOVE it there! That's why I picked the job, really!
But then I started, and let me tell you, that job is such a BORE, dude! I could have been anything else! A corporate debit card, spilling wine at cocktail parties; a cleaning staff access card, slipping from floor to floor unnoticed; even a discount loyalty card, inconspicuously noting down customer habits, but no, I picked to be a metro card and got assigned to be a personalized metro card for that absolute bore of a person!
—No, not like you of course. You are nice, and snazzy, and want to chat with me—the lowly metro card—what's not to like. But that guy, let me tell you! He would use the metro three times a day. On one day! Of the whole WEEK!
The rest of the week, he'd stay at home, listen to the most absolutely screeching rock music, and tap-tap away on a super loud keyboard.
What a bore! I—I wanted to see people, talk with everyone, be at the heart of a crowd; but no, I just had to stay on that desk, wait for that guy to remember he had to rush somewhere, flee by every passerby, listen to the air whistle by, and all that—only to get somewhere mildly less boring than "home".
——But wait, do you want a cookie? Pleasee, I made those myself! You can't say no to me nowww! 😊
Yess, yes, here, take two! Please! ✨
—Well, to be honest, I like to pride myself on being very brave and open and independent, but when I thought of quitting my job? I was so scaredd! Eep! It would have cost me my job, I was sure! And maybe I would be locked up!! Imagine me? In a cell? The loneliness alone would kill me, let alone the prison food and lack of air!
But then, one night, I was outside, enjoying a breath of fresh air in the park, when the wildest, screechiest music filled the air, and it was just, y'know, rock and metal and hard metal, and I'm like—where's the music, dude? Where's the hip-hop, the tango, the life, the latino, the cha-cha? Is there nothing good in this world?!
But that guy I was assigned to, he just sits there, pours himself a beer, and listens. Like a DONKEY! In a CIRCUS! Hmph!
First song is 'right, second one I walk up to the bar, and go like, pour me a drink, I'm quitting work tonight. Something to forget please.
And the barman's like, oh, I've seen the likes of you before. Heads up, you'll get picked up in like, no time.
He pours me a cool tequila, and I'm thinking, things will turn up for better, I'm gonna start a new life, gonna get picked for a new job tomorrow; tonight is bright and beautiful, sans the music. Drink up, sleep happy dreams, wake up late, and guess what!
That same guy, the bore, shows up next morning, and goes, "Yeah, I forgot my card, yeah, I'm here to pick it up," the whole sentence bereft of life.
And the bartender just hands me over!?
Like, excuse me, dude! I'm looking for a new job here, dude. N-E-W, three letters! Don't you just turn me in to my old job like that, that's not cool, dude! Hate them both still. At least the tequila was good, but that's about.
Anyway, I'm fuming. Few metro stops later, the guy is going back home. With two (2!) disks of rock and metal music. I'm so so sick of that music. —
Oh——sorry, I didn't realize; am I upsetting you? Do you like rock/metal?
If loving rock/metal:
Oh noo... I sure hope I did not upset you. I just hate that music, sweetie. No no, it's okay, you can still listen to it. Please forgive me, I'm just—just so sick of that music. Sure I didn't upset you?
Okay, okay, I'll keep going then—
If hating rock/metal:
Oh nice! We could be hate-rock buddies, then, wouldn't we rock like that? 😉
Just kidding, kidding; but it'd be so HIP tho! Yus!—
So, where was I; right, the music disks. So, I'm like, enough's enough, I've already decided to quit, I'll just jump off on the station. Good luck finding me now, sir!
But no, bad luck it is! Some lil thing, maybe 5, maybe 7, well-mannered, for sure, just spots me on the platform, and picks me up, and is goes, puppy eyes, "Did you drop his, sir?"
Well DUH, he didn't drop me! I ran away on my own, thank you very much; you blind or what?
And the guy just goes, "Hm, thank you", and I'm just like "Hm, that didn't work out, now, did it."
But you know what they say, when one door closes, light shines through another, or whatever.
Like, yeah, that guy got more of the nasty "music" to listen to, but he finally took me out of his phone case, and "for safety" put me in the pocket of his jacket.
So now, I get to hang out, on my own, here in the foyer, or I mean, entrée, as they say in français, undisturbed by nasty music. Sure, it does get a bit lonely sometimes, but the pay is still cushy, and, I've got you here, right?
You are the best for hanging out with me still!
—Here, please, let me pour you a cup of tea! It's gotten a bit cold by now, but it's really, really good. It's a mix of herbs, but it blends so well, you'd swear it's jasmine green tea or such. No, really! Try it! You must!
If wanting more tea:
See! It's such good tea! You can barely smell the mint in there, but I think it really makes the whole taste "click"—and then, the elderberry and pine tips just make it so, so—je ne sais quoi—awesome!! ✨
If wanting no tea:
Oh, don't want no tea? Alright, alright, I'll——I'll just reheat it for myself, then.
Anyway, It would be a bit disingenuous if I don't mention the other time I tried to run away... I still feel a bit silly, honestly. We were getting back from some music recital thing; it wasn't as bad, had its charm, but y'know, apart from the one time they did a bit of ska, worship music isn't really my cup of tea. —This, however is; such good tea!—
And, I thought, maybe I can take the day off, see the world a bit, have some fun. Big mistake. It was cold, it was rainy; people were all rude and nasty to a free soul like me, they made fun of my QR tag, messed my hair, crumpled my edges... Like, get a sense of yourselves, people! Even the taxi guy all but ran me over!
Finally hobbled back home, and a kind neighbor let me in.
What a miserable night that was...
I'm now planning to wait for nicer weather first, before I'll go to a nice summer party at a open-air night bar. Bit of hip-hop in the background, a soft chair to stretch on... oh, life could be gooood...
What's that? Oh, you've heard I ran away four times now?
Nah, that wasn't reaally running away now. I was just exploring my options! Planning for the future, you know?
I just had a chat with this security guy about the qualification and perks of being an access card. I'd really like to go back and get a masters or second bachelors one day, so thought I'd ask around!
But yeah, missed my ride home, that's all, didn't run away that one time. Still got "picked up" next morning, just like at the bar; part of this "job"'s downsides, I suppose.
I guess my rebel days are over, for now—but you never know, when the wild strikes, and the music's bad enough, I might just——
Wait, do I hear steps? Do you hear steps?
I might be going to the Metroo, yess! 🎉 🎉
Say, are they coming cl——oh. Oh no. I think they are headed for the kitchen instead—
Oh. You have to go? 🥺
Sigh. That's a pity...
But, you know? You should just come visit again! ✨ It's so so nice to have people around here!
Just—come any time! 😊
Editor's second and final note: This started as a "can I tell this from the perspective of-" article, and ended up as a full-blown character with a semi-distinct voice. The 4 times this particular metro card was "lost" or otherwise displaced are all true stories; only the anthropomorphisation was added as an embellishment on top! I hope you enjoyed the semi-interactive experience; I for sure enjoyed drafting it.
Editor's actual final note: If anyone has experience with ordering drinks at a bar (and thus hates my uncreative inclusion of "tequila" above) or has experience with drinking coffee (and thus takes offense at my uncreative description of a coffee machine), you can actually contribute to this CC-BY-SA story by shooting me an email. 😇
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——The closing Lisp brackets whee: